Trek into Arkham
by SwordStitcher
Summary: Crack!fic: The boys of the enterprise find themselves in a very strange situation after a transporter malfunction. While they wait for things to be fixed, they give their opinions on the outfits. One-Shot.


A/N: I don't know what to say so the truth will just have to cover it. L.D Eddy and I were talking about Zachary Quinto being a possible Batman for Arkham-verse and then of course how good he was as Spock and then brainfarts ensued… One thing led to another and before I knew it…This. It happened. I'm not ashamed of it, in fact, I rather love it! Anyway, this one's for L.D.

* * *

Captain Kirk was used to his fair share of hairy situations, as his trusted right hand man Spock just loved to point out. He was a magnet for women and trouble. Unfortunately trouble always seemed the more likely.

It was true to say that in his command of the Enterprise it had been attacked and almost entirely annihilated twice, once by a crazy alien and a second time by a psychopath.

But the situation had never been _this_ hairy, good god it was like Bones never shaved _at all_. They almost looked like hairy brown leg warmers…

'It appears there's been a transporter malfunction.' Spock noted.

'Appears?' Scotty snapped. 'Ah'm in tighty whities and et _appears_ to be a malfunction?!'

'At least you have that to cover your dignity.' Bones reminded him as he held down what little material separated his valuables from the world.

The situation with the crew was not altogether alarming, alarming was something that happened to them on a daily basis. Alarming was, well, sudden and dangerous. No, this was strange and strange was an altogether different ballgame.

As Scotty and Bones became embroiled in an argument over who had it worse and Spock was doing his thing with a diagnostic, Kirk was reminiscing. This situation almost reminded him of an ex-girlfriend.

God Tina loved those leather suspenders and fishnets. Especially on Kirk. He remembered that one time-

'So why do Kirk and Spock get the full body getup?' Scotty all but screamed.

'I think you look good in short-shorts, Scotty.' Kirk teased.

'Ah'm gonna show you just what a Scotsman will do to-'

'C'mon Scotty, trade with me! You wear kilts all the time, man!' Bones wheedled. 'I'm getting drafts where no man ought to.'

'Kilts are different!' Scotty replied hotly. 'Yer wearin' a skirt McCoy!'

Kirk sighed and shifted uncomfortably in the tight leather he'd found himself in. He frowned and shifted again. A look of discomfort rode across his features.

A hand surreptitiously snaked it's way around and began to fumble with the padded leather around his nether regions.

There was something he'd never missed. The wedgies these things caused.

'I believe I've found the cause of the malfunction-' Spock had strode back to find Kirk fidgeting with himself. Oh well, he wasn't going to stop now, this stubborn wedgie was going to come out one way or another and he didn't care how uncomfortable Spock looked.

'Sir…Sir please stop…It's impolite to attempt…' He stuttered.

'You were saying?' Kirk asked pointedly and for a moment he took delight in seeing the look of abject horror on Spock's face as he continued to yank at the unyielding leather. 'Is there a problem, Spock?'

'No. None at all Captain.' Spock shook himself and diverted the entirety of his focus towards the little diagnostic in his hands. Kirk grinned.

It appears as though Chekov has, accidentally perhaps, created a space and time wormhole-'

'Yadda, yadda, yadda.' Kirk mimed. 'Get to the point Spock! These damn trousers weren't made for a man my ah…Size.'

Spock sighed heavily. 'As you wish, Batman- _I mean Captain_!'

'You know about Batman?' Kirk teased.

'I used to read comics as a kid.' Spock defended stiffly.

'_I Robot_ used to read comics?' Kirk went on relentlessly.

'Kirk, I swear-' Spock grit out.

'Hey, I'm only teasing!' He laughed. 'I used to read them too! Lets see, if I'm Batman, you must be Nightwing. Scotty in the knickerbockers over there must be Robin and Bones in the skirt must be Batgirl.'

'I heard that!' Scotty shrieked from the alleyway. 'McCoy. Let. Go!' He grunted seconds after.

'How long does Chekov think this'll last?' Kirk grumbled as he attempted to unpick yet another wedgie.

This time, Spock chose to patently ignore the digging going on. 'He thinks it will only be momentary and then we'll get dragged back to the Enterprise.'

'Oh.' Kirk muttered disappointedly. 'I was kind of hoping to bust a crime before we left. Seems the right thing to do since we're all dressed up and have nowhere to go.'

The words had hardly left his mouth when a scream broke from just outside the wet and steaming alley they'd found themselves in.

'You hear that?!' Kirk asked excitedly.

'Jim, no, wait!' Bones attempted. 'As your doctor I have to advise- Damn. He's gone.'

Spock walked up slowly in his wake and sighed. 'I knew this would happen. Don't worry Doctor. Chekov estimates we only have thirty seconds, plus of corporeal attachment to this world.'

'Comforting.' Bones replied dryly.

'Ah'll be glad ta go home. Mah boys need to breathe if ya know what I mean.' Scotty muttered.

'Duly noted Mister Scott.'

From outside their own little bubble came the sounds of a higher pitched scream. They all knew that scream well. Kirk wasn't winning with his mugger.

'I warned him.' Bones sighed. 'It's your fault Spock; you shouldn't have told him what we were.'

'Indeed.' Spock nodded.

As predicted, Chekov's little accident undid itself with a burst of transporter particles.

What wasn't predicted was that they would all reappear naked.

'You know…I think I preferred the leather skirt.' Bones commented as he struggled to pull himself from the mass of flailing limbs that had become Kirk, Spock and Scotty.

Seconds after their reappearance, Chekov burst into the transporter room. 'Oh Zank god you're here! I'm not getting fired today!' He cheered.

'Chekov, we're going to have _words_.' Kirk growled through what looked like a black eye and a split lip.

'Zat's not as good…' Chekov muttered.

THE END.


End file.
